I'm well and truly fed up at this very moment in time.

I found out last week that my mum has breast cancer. I know that the prognosis of breast cancer is a lot better than other varities, but despite that, you hear the 'C' word and you automatically panic. I think I had what you could class as a mini-breakdown. I hit the bottle in a big way and locked myself away from everyone and everything. It only lasted a couple of days, but even so, the intensity of the anger I was feeling terrified me. A good friend of mine told me in no uncertain terms that I was being a selfish bitch, and that it was my mum that had cancer, not me. He also told me that I needed to stop playing the victim and snap out of it otherwise I'd have no one to turn to when I realised how much I couldn't cope alone. It clearly hit home, as woke up the next morning and went to see my mum. The outlook is pretty good, as they've caught it early. She'll be going into hospital for treatment, and we'll see after that if she'll have to have chemo or a mastectomy. She's scared, but she's dealing with it all so well and I'm really proud of her. My auntie and also my mum's best friend have had cancer, and though both of them lost a breast, they're happy and healthy now. I feel stupid now for freaking out so much without knowing all the details ... but it's my mum, you know? I argue with her non-stop, but if I didn't have her around it would absolutely kill me.

Aside from worrying about my mum, I'm actually pretty happy right now. I have a holiday booked for next month (my mum has insisted I go, as I missed out on my last two) - I'm going to Barbados, which is somewhere I've been dying to go. I was planning to go alone, but now three of my friends have decided they want a holiday too. I won't be staying in the same hotel as them, but it will be a lot of fun having them there with me. Roll on August 23rd!

I hate that I am so weak
I hate that I find it so difficult to open up to people
I hate that I bottle everything up
I hate that I put on a smile even though I’m breaking inside
I hate that I let people walk all over me
I hate that I love someone so willing to use me
I hate that I get so scared of letting someone care for me
I hate that I let it all slip through my fingers
I hate that I have become the kind of person that I despise
But most of all, I hate that I’m too much of a coward to do anything about it.

On a brighter note, I think I've just been dumped!

It's odd when someone that you've known and been good friends with for six years sends you a text message at 3am telling you to fuck off, without even having any reason to do so. I don't even know if I'm upset about it ... I just don't understand why it happened. I guess I am upset, more because I didn't even think there was a problem between us. Well, there have been some problems, but nothing that would lead him to tell me to fuck off. Urgh, why do people do stuff like that?

In other news, I've finally booked my holiday for the end of this month. I have a busy couple of weeks ahead of me now - what, with birthdays, parties and weddings. It's Jack's best friend's 29th birthday on Monday and Jack has a huge night planned for him ... It's amazing how much naughtiness policemen get up to when they're off duty. I'm looking forward to it, but I know for a fact that I won't be able to keep up with the action.

You know, I actually am very upset about being told to fuck off.

So, I had a near death experience this week. I had an allergic reaction to a throat spray, and my throat began tightening up all of a sudden. I was on the phone with a friend, had a coughing fit, and then suddenly I was finding it hard to breathe. I'm more than a little pissed off that my friend simply hung up on me ... but luckily I managed to call Jack and he could tell I needed him. I had to have an injection at the hospital and that sorted things out - but I was understandably shaken, so had to stay for a couple of hours. Thankfully, they didn't keep me overnight - I hate hospitals, especially when I don't really have to be there. Jack was really lovely, and took the rest of the day off work to stay with me all afternoon. Thank God I got through to him though, because I really was having trouble breathing.

Jack has taken some time off this week to spend time with me. I told him it was unnecessary, but he said that he was owed some time anyway. I was a little confused about what was happening, but yesterday really made me realise how great a guy he is and how much he cares about me. It's nice to have someone to spend time with ... I'd forgotten how much I missed just cuddling up with someone on the couch watching TV.

Jack and I are in the middle of watching possibly THE worst film I've ever seen ... Little Man, a Wayans brothers film. My God, it's terrible. Jack seems to be enjoying it though - I can see he'll need a masterclass in film from yours truly!

Why are things never as easy as they seem?

Well, I'm happy to say that Jack and I have decided to give things a go. We're both willing to take things slowly and see how it develops. I think it's the best thing for me, and he told me that he's happy because he's grown very fond of me over the last month. I'll keep my fingers crossed for this one, as I think it could be pretty great.

It's hard to move on when the person that you're trying to move on from tells you that they still want you. It's not just hard, but downright frustrating; it's like you feel that you need to put your life on hold in hope of them turning around and telling you that it's you and you alone that they want to be with. In my case, I know that that is never going to happen, but I still stupidly live in semi-hope. To make matters worse, I'm kind of involved with another guy - a guy that happens to be handsome, amusing, good company and extremely sweet. I like him a lot, and I really enjoy his company; but when I'm alone it's not him that I think about. I don't want to get hurt again, and more so, I don't want to hurt anyone else. But I can't control how I feel - it's like I'm being dragged in two opposite directions. My head tells me that Jack could possibly be the best thing that has ever happened to me - he's the kind of guy that would make me happy, and I could actually see myself being with him for a long time. But deep down, I know that I'm still in love with 'him' ... I just wish I could get over him as easily as he got over me. I really don't know what to do, but I need to do something soon as I'm becoming increasingly unhappy.

In other news, I am officially old. Yes, I turned 24 last week. Sigh. According to my friends that have already hit the big 2-4, it's all downhill from here. Fabulous! To be honest though, I don't feel any different; I'm still the girl I was at 23. And 22. And 21 ...

Things are pretty damn good right now.

So far, 2008 has not been the amazingly fortuitous year that I had hoped it would be. I know what you’re all thinking: ‘Oh, do pipe down; it’s only January.’ Call me a cynic, but I have very little doubt in my mind that this year will not be getting much better.
It’s funny, but I’ve always known that I’ll die young. I have the worst luck in the world; therefore I’m constantly expecting to be hit by a rogue bolt of lightning or to be squashed by a stray anvil. I’ve never wanted to be one of those old people that are still hobbling around aided by Zimmer frames and shopping trolleys at the age of ninety. The idea of losing bladder control is not something that appeals to me, nor is the concept of spending every night in front of the TV with a mug of Horlicks clutched between my gnarled hands.
But when you’re faced with life or death in your twenties, you realise that you have to really step back and take stock of what you hope the future holds for you. Is it really worth risking your life for something that you’re not even sure that you want? I’m not sure that it is.

I feel the need to make a joke or something, that’s what I usually do in situations like this. But I can’t think of anything remotely amusing to say. I’m supposed to be having company later, but I can’t handle being around people tonight. I’ve asked my flatmate if he’ll go out for a few drinks this evening so that I can have some space. Thankfully, he agreed with minimal fuss and I’ll be able to use the time alone to have a good think about things and about the decisions that I have to make. Right now though, I just want to sleep.

I have an alcoholic mother with a brand spanking new criminal record, an ex-con father who is currently on the run, an idiot brother, a suicidal step-sister and a step-father with anger issues; how the hell can anyone expect me to be normal when I have a family like that? It's frankly amazing that I've managed to stay this sane for this long. I need a soothing glass of wine; none of the cheap German shit that I keep for when my friends come round, mind. No, tonight calls for a bottle of moderately expensive Rioja.

A toast, to my disfunctional family ... If only I'd been raised by wolves.

Well, I saw in midnight with a bottle of mineral water in my hand and a countdown of the 100 greatest TV adverts on the telly box. To say it was thrilling would be an understatement. I hope that you all had a more interesting New Year's Eve than I did?

I'm not making any resolutions this year, as I never make the effort to stick to them. But I have promised myself that I'm going to try and sort my frankly ridiculous life out before the end of 2008. By that, I mean I'm going to iron out my fucking laughable and haphazard lovelife; I'm going to decide once and for all what career path I'm destined to walk down; and I'm going to make sure that I'm not quite so miserable this year, as 2007 was a bit of a shit.

And now, I shall toast myself and my maturity towards life with a glass of red wine and bugger off to watch TV. Cheers.